August 13, 2020 (theonion.com)
Senator Kamala Harris was announced Tuesday as Joe Biden’s vice presidential pick for the 2020 Democratic Party ticket. The Onion takes a look at Harris’ background, political history, and what she brings to the 2020 election.
Ethnicity: Perfect, just perfect.
Childhood Dream: Waiting for the president to die in office.
Greatest Liability: Prominent association with Joe Biden.
Progressive Bona Fides: Provided housing to thousands of low-level offenders she convicted.
Signature Debate Moment: Nailing clarinet solo in talent portion.
How She Clinched VP Slot: Bonded with Biden over shared experience running extremely unsuccessful presidential campaigns.
Bite Force: 230 PSI.
Chances She’ll Shoot Friend In Face On Hunting Trip: Low.
Number Of Times Biden Has Called Her Michelle So Far: 23.
Contribution To Ticket: Centrist counterbalance to Biden’s centrism.