January 7, 2021 • TheOnion.com
WASHINGTON—Projecting a calm, measured assurance as he reflected on his personal shortcomings, a content and mentally sound President Trump told reporters just minutes after his ban from social media Thursday that he had been “selfish and arrogant,” and he apologized unconditionally for his behavior. “I’ve lied to myself and the country, lashed out at those who love me, and hurt a lot of people along the way,” said Trump, who, after 15 minutes of being unable to tweet or post updates to Facebook, gathered together friends, family, and the entire White House press corps to let them know that love is the only thing that truly matters. “I just took a walk with a dear friend who I haven’t spoken to in ages, and as we sat on a bench staring at the Potomac, I asked him, ‘What am I doing with my life?’ Over the past quarter hour, I’ve realized that caring for others, lending a hand to someone in need—these are the only things in this world that can give a man true integrity. I hope you all have it in your hearts to forgive me for my pride and my many failures in this life.” At press time, Trump was overheard asking House Speaker Nancy Pelosi if she had ever noticed how beautiful a simple goldfinch was, while suggesting the two of them go birding together in the Adirondacks after he left office.