Published: November 11, 2021 (TheOnion.com)
FORT MYERS, FL—His bedroom walls quivering and cracking the moment he opened the secret tome, local teen Charlie Donnell reportedly found his eyes beginning to glow red Thursday as he recited forbidden knowledge from a book containing critical race theory. “The fact of slavery refuses to fade, along with the deeply embedded personal attitudes and public policy assumptions that supported it for so long,” intoned Donnell in a guttural moan, his rapidly whitening hair blowing back as if from an unseen wind as brightly colored flames leapt from the pages of the purloined copy of Faces At The Bottom Of The Well: The Persistence Of Racism. “Indeed, the racism that made slavery feasible is far from dead in the last decade of 20th-century America; and the civil rights gains, so hard won, are being steadily eroded. Mortuis Resurrexerit Credent!” At press time, a giant hole had opened in the floor and sucked a screaming Donnell into a dimension of unspeakable wokeness.
