December 15, 2017 (theonion.com)
CAMBRIDGE, MA— Expressing continued bafflement at the practical knowledge and proficiency required to construct the massive structure, leading historians announced Friday that they remained unsure how Americans managed to build the Hoover Dam. “Decades into researching this tremendous feat of engineering, the question of how Americans ever mustered the ingenuity, determination, and resources to pull it off remains veiled in mystery,” said Harvard researcher Pritam Singh, noting that the enigmatic dam suggested Americans once possessed a level of competence, civic planning, and mastery of structural engineering far beyond what history would suggest. “We still can’t explain how United States citizens managed to handle tons of dynamite without blowing themselves up or causing the tunnels to cave in upon their own heads. This is the American people we’re talking about. There’s no evidence for how the people in this country worked and achieved such a challenging task without fucking it all up. Frankly, I’m beginning to think the answers may be lost to history.” Singh added that despite the questions surrounding the structure, he was intrigued by a recent theory suggesting the iconic dam was constructed by slaves.