{"id":45533,"date":"2025-12-09T12:46:11","date_gmt":"2025-12-09T20:46:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/occupysf.net\/?p=45533"},"modified":"2025-12-09T12:46:12","modified_gmt":"2025-12-09T20:46:12","slug":"nixons-letter-from-hell","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/occupysf.net\/index.php\/2025\/12\/09\/nixons-letter-from-hell\/","title":{"rendered":"Nixon’s letter from Hell"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Andy Borowitz<\/a>2d<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Borowitz Report<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dec 7, 2025<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since his death in 1994, Richard Nixon has refrained from public comments. Today, however, he has broken his silence in a letter from Hell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mr. Nixon offered The Borowitz Report the exclusive right to publish the following letter he wrote to Donald Trump on one condition: that his expletives not be deleted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Donny Boy:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Congratulations: I\u2019m adding you to my enemies list.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not because you\u2019re evil. I usually put evil people on my friends list. Every Thursday, I play bridge with Mao, Stalin, and Kissinger. Mao and Stalin had a moral objection when I brought Henry into the game, but I begged them to give him a chance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No, it\u2019s not because you\u2019re evil. It\u2019s because you\u2019re so fucking unoriginal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hmm, let\u2019s see: a paranoid president commits a shitload of crimes, then abuses his power trying to cover them up. Why does this ring a bell?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re lucky I\u2019m dead, asshole, or I\u2019d sue you for plagiarism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your sad little Epstein cover-up isn\u2019t an homage to my Watergate cover-up\u2014it\u2019s a fucking reboot. And I don\u2019t appreciate a bloated asswipe like you stealing my IP.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I mean, you ripped off my playbook down to the tiniest details\u2014including your choice of a crooked Attorney General. Do you honestly think if Pam Bondi winds up in jail, that will be a fresh plot twist? Wrong, moron! My boy John Mitchell already did that. (John\u2019s still a good friend, by the way\u2014just last week we went skinny-dipping in Satan\u2019s lake of fire.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, don\u2019t get me wrong\u2014I don\u2019t blame you for wanting to keep the Epstein files under wraps. Beelzebub has a copy of them in his lending library and I read them last night. I\u2019m not easily shocked, but let me say this: you are one sick fuck. There\u2019s stuff in there that would curl Matt Gaetz\u2019s toes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When this shit gets out, you\u2019re going straight to prison\u2014and not the Canyon Ranch resort where Ghislaine is getting her daily mani-pedis.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since you\u2019re stealing all my best ideas, I know how you\u2019ll try to save your ass: you\u2019ll whip out your trusty Sharpie and scribble over every word of the Epstein files until they look like something Jackson Pollack did on a bender.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But that won\u2019t work, fuckface. Because whenever there\u2019s a document this spicy, there are bound to be bootlegged copies out there, just waiting to be leaked to some Jew in the media. Remember the Pentagon Papers? Of course not\u2014you can\u2019t even remember your wife\u2019s name.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let me put it this way: if you think the DOJ has all the copies of the Epstein files in existence, then Pete Hegseth isn\u2019t the only one who\u2019s been drinking on the job. That genius Pam left them sitting on her desk, for fuck\u2019s sake. I\u2019ve seen documents stored more securely in Mar-a-Lago\u2019s public crapper.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, once the unredacted Epstein files come out\u2014and they will\u2014how do you plan to save your drooping jowly ass? Well, I see you\u2019ve already dipped into my playbook yet again: you picked a vice president so fucking loathsome that he\u2019s impeachment insurance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s what I thought I was doing when I chose Spiro. But then, what do you know, that lowlife scumbag went and got busted accepting paper bags full of cash in the White House basement. The moment he got the boot, I knew I was fucked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know what skeletons JD has in his closet. Maybe there\u2019s a video of him in a three-way with a couch and an ottoman. But you\u2019ve got to do everything in your power to make sure that nothing, I repeat, nothing happens to him. Bubble-wrap that fucker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One last thing, jerkwad: I ran into Epstein the other day at a barbecue. (Satan was mesquite grilling him in a lime cilantro marinade.) In between anguished shrieks, he told me to thank you for that perverted birthday card you gave him. I told him to thank you in person. It won\u2019t be long.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fuck you,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dick Nixon<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"\/<\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Andy Borowitz2d The Borowitz Report Dec 7, 2025 Since his death in 1994, Richard Nixon has refrained from public comments. Today, however, he has broken his silence in a letter from Hell. Mr. Nixon offered The Borowitz Report the exclusive right to publish the following letter he wrote to Donald… Continue reading → <\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/occupysf.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/45533"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/occupysf.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/occupysf.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/occupysf.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/occupysf.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=45533"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/occupysf.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/45533\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":45534,"href":"https:\/\/occupysf.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/45533\/revisions\/45534"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/occupysf.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=45533"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/occupysf.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=45533"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/occupysf.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=45533"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}