Published: March 13, 2026 (TheOnion.com)
James Talarico is the Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate in Texas. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the rising star.
Age: Whippersnapper
Inspirational Backstory: Survived several hours talking to Joe Rogan
Religion: Oh yeah, lots of that
Key Endorsements: God (Presbyterian), God (Catholic), God (Jewish), and God (Sikh)
Level On Grant-Rogers Folksiness Scale: 1.21 Jimmy Stewarts
Voice Volume: 4
Diet: Whatever Mom’s making tonight
What’s Motivating Campaign: Would rather die before going back to teaching
