PublishedYesterday (TheOnion.com)
PORTER, IN—In a surprising pivot that sent shock waves through the environmental movement, climate justice activist Greta Thunberg told reporters Monday that she was embracing big oil after visiting a really nice highway truck stop in Indiana. “If I had known you could buy a phone case, new sunglasses, an energy drink, and a roller-grilled hot dog all in one stop, I never would have supported a worldwide divestment in fossil fuels,” the longtime renewable energy advocate said during her visit to the TA Travel Center at exit 22B off I-94, where she reportedly admired a huge display of pocket knives, purchased several different varieties of beef jerky, and announced she was now fully on board with subsidizing oil companies. “Without diesel trucks and gas-powered cars, this vibrant culture might face extinction. An entire way of life full of sarcastic bumper stickers, Otis Spunkmeyer muffins, DVDs of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies, and Bible-themed crossword books could be wiped out forever.” Thunberg later announced a new campaign to promote offshore oil drilling during which she would tour America’s truck stops in a charter bus that gets six miles per gallon of fuel.
And in more environmental news…
Scientists Announce That Unexplored Parts Of Ocean Probably Contain More Water
PublishedYesterday (TheOnion.com)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Advancing a bold new theory that could revolutionize the way scientists think about the planet, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Monday that the unexplored parts of the world’s oceans probably contain more water. “While we can’t say with certainty what lay in those deep recesses of the sea we have yet to observe firsthand, chances are there’s a bunch of water in there,” said Adrian Yu, an MIT professor who along with his colleagues spent decades studying what is considered one of the great mysteries of science before concluding the unseen reaches of the ocean are likely full of water, as well as waves, tides, and, in the colder regions, ice. “We’re pretty sure the water is salt water, too. If you go deep enough, there might also be sand or mud down there, but more research is needed before we can say definitely. It’s all pretty standard ocean stuff, though.” Leading oceanographers hailed the finding, calling it the greatest advancement in the field since last year’s discovery of a sophisticated undersea civilization of tiny merfolk who ride around on seahorses and talk to dolphins.
