Friday 2:40PM (TheOnion.com)
WASHINGTON—Citing the long-standing practice of maintaining boundaries between the classes, Senate Parliamentarian Elizabeth MacDonough asked Democrats to cut a minimum wage increase from their stimulus package Friday due to an obscure rule requiring poor citizens to needlessly suffer. “Raising the minimum wage would violate an 1834 statue put in place to inflict arbitrary pain on the nation’s most vulnerable groups,” said MacDonough, explaining that the rule was used as precedent to stop the 95th Congress from increasing the minimum wage to $2.50 in 1977. “There’s only one interpretation of this rule as it clearly states that providing relief for impoverished Americans is not to be included in any budgetary legislation. These policies exist for a reason. Punishing the lower class is a non-partisan issue. There’s no need to be frustrated with either party—take up your gripes with the Andrew Jackson administration and the 23rd United States Congress.” At press time, the stimulus package was in limbo while the Senate Parliamentarian determined if it was within the country’s purview to help the unemployed.