Friday 11:45AM (theonion.com)
WASHINGTON—In a sign of growing party consensus on Capitol Hill, reports confirmed Friday that all 50 Senate Democrats have signaled their openness to restoring the filibuster to its original form as a drawn-out and highly provocative striptease act. “The filibuster is nothing but a tool for obstruction without the old rules requiring senators to hold the floor with a slow, exotic dance routine in which they gradually remove all their clothes,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), explaining why he believes the practice of stalling a piece of legislation for hours at a time must be accompanied by a lawmaker seductively peeling off one garment after another, only to hide his or her body from view behind a fan of ostrich feathers until three-fifths of the senators invoke cloture and bring the show to a close. “This is what sets our chamber apart from the House: a rule that empowers the minority to use a gradual buildup of sexual arousal to stop a bill. Say what you will about my colleague Ted Cruz, but when he ripped off his tearaway three-piece suit to Ginuwine’s “Pony” and revealed those pink glitter pasties during his filibuster to defund the Affordable Care Act, we were all impressed with his determination to bump and grind for his principles.” According to congressional aides, Democrats are still debating the smaller details surrounding merkins and nipple tassel requirements.
