Wednesday 1:55PM (theonion.com)
WASHINGTON—In a controversial political maneuver that sparked outrage from Democrats and their allies, sources confirmed Wednesday that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had blocked Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer from retiring. “It is the Senate’s constitutional right to act as a check on Stephen Breyer,” said McConnell, who blasted the 83-year-old justice’s plan to step down from the bench as contrary to the founding fathers’ vision that Supreme Court members would serve until the day they keeled over and died. “The radical Democrats are clearly getting desperate and see Stephen Breyer’s retirement as their only recourse. There is simply no way I can allow it. If Justice Breyer wants to retire, he’ll have to wait until 2024 and let the American people decide if he’s finished.” At press time, sources confirmed that McConnell had used an arcane legal precedent to prevent Breyer from purchasing a condominium in Florida.