Friday 2:35PM (theonion.com)
MINNETONKA, MN—Calling the armed forces of today a “far cry” from the honorable soldiers he recalled from his upbringing, local conservative resident Phil Hayes told reporters Friday he longed for a bygone era when the U.S. Army was 2 inches tall, green, and plastic. “When I was young, every man in the Army respected the chain of command and knew how to follow orders, whether they were deployed on the ground in hostile backyard terrain or striving to take an enemy anthill,” said the 45-year-old, adding that modern troops did not have the commitment to duty required to face a torture-by-melting in the microwave or to jump out of a tree equipped with nothing more than a makeshift parachute fashioned from notebook paper and twine. “I mean, Jesus Christ, what happened? Back then, men were heroes who would hold their position no matter what, never letting their guard down as they stood in place with a grenade, rifle, flamethrower, mortar, or bazooka. This new crop is just a bunch of snowflakes who could never complete a deadly mission under the bed or fight off insurgent Barbies until the LEGO reinforcements could arrive.” Hayes went on to say that above all, he missed the days when everyone in the military was one color, one gender, and couldn’t open their fused, plastic mouths to talk back.