Published: August 11, 2026 (TheOnion.com)
ANN ARBOR, MI—In an effort to irritate the recent winner of Michigan’s Democratic Senate primary at all hours of the night, a spiteful American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) reportedly spent $30 million this week to place a really loud bird directly outside the window of Abdul El-Sayed. “It might seem like a lot of money, but it’s worth it to have to a bird chittering away two feet from that guy’s bedroom from dusk till dawn,” AIPAC CEO Elliot Brandt said of the barn swallow paid to be as shrill as possible while it perched on a tree limb in El-Sayed’s yard, pausing only briefly to give him false hope that the racket had finally come to an end. “It was important to us that there truly be no escape from this bird, so we asked it to set aside its usual variety of calls and repeat the same three notes continuously. That way, they’re stuck in El-Sayed’s head even if he flees his home.” Brandt told reporters the bird would receive a bonus for shitting on the Democratic nominee as he made his way to his car.
