Thursday 12:00PM (theonion.com)
WASHINGTON—Calling the smoldering ruins in downtown Des Moines a potential preview of 2024, pundits theorized Thursday that Donald Trump could be testing the waters for another presidential run by inciting Iowans to burn the state capitol to the ground. “While he has yet to formally announce his intention to run, the fact that Trump took the stage, raised a torch, and demanded the crowd sprint towards the Iowa Statehouse to set it ablaze is definitely a clue” said CNN analyst Chris Cillizza, adding that Trump sent out multiple feelers that day, which confirmed that voters were more than willing to rush the Iowa State Capitol, douse the building in gasoline, and throw in a lit match to ignite the flame. “While some were unsure if the former president had another campaign in him, he was successfully able to mobilize tens of thousands of Iowans to torch their state capitol and dance in the inferno. Frankly, if this isn’t a sign that he’ll run in 2024, I don’t know what is.” At press time, Cillizza noted that President Biden may want to watch out after photos surfaced of Trump unzipping his fly and urinating on the wreckage.